Rosetti Rants: Recovery

Friends,

As Cliff Richard belts out “Devil Woman” in the background and my ego slowly regenerates from this morning’s disaster at work, I realize that a lot people, myself included, take failure very terribly. Part of it is human nature. You have a goal, you plan, you work hard, and one small, unaccounted for detail ruins everything. You get frustrated, naturally.

If you’re like me, however, you see the sign for Frustrated and you keep driving. You pass Anger, Remorse, Embarrassment, and get stuck in Shame, playing the scene over and over. All the insults and poison people have thrown at you over the years come bubbling up. A small, cruel voice inside your head latches on to the error you just made and screams, This is why you’re stupid! This is why you’re useless! This is why you’re wrong! It’s not long before you find yourself agreeing with the voice.

If this is not you at all, congratulations; you are well on your way to mastering the art of self-acceptance.

If it is you, then don’t worry because it is me too and I have amassed years of advice on the subject through counseling, prayers, yoga, and simply living as a paranoid sack of neurosis. I’ve made the following list of the best advice I’ve received over the years for those who may need it as well.

Breathe.

Breath is one of the simplest and most powerful tools for self-control. It affects blood pressure, joint pain, muscle tension, posture, and, yes, emotions. When we’re stressed, the sympathetic nervous system is in control and the adrenaline tightens the diaphragm, making it difficult for air to completely fill the lungs and resulting in short, rapid breaths. This breathing locks the body into fight or flight mode. The de-stressing process belongs to a totally different set of nerves known as the parasympathetic nervous system. In order to engage it, take slow, deep breaths.

When I say “take slow, deep breaths” I do not mean suck air in through your nose or mouth as hard as you can. I mean put your hand on your belly and, as you inhale, feel it expand. Breathe in softly for a count of five. Pause at the top. Then, with your hand still on your belly, exhale for a count of six and feel the belly soften back in towards the spine. Do this for as long as it takes to relax.

If you find yourself too flustered or panicked to slow your breath by sheer force of will, then try Nadi Shodhana, or alternate nostril breathing. It’s not physically challenging at all and only takes 3-5 minutes, but it’s a little confusing to explain over text, so here is a demonstration video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xbbr6Udg1UA

Move

Posture also greatly affects emotions. It’s directly linked to the kinds of hormones our brains release. Even when you’re miserable, if you smile for a minute or two, your brain will still release endorphins. The same is true if you sit up straight with your shoulders broad and relaxed. Therefore, if you feel stressed, do not curl in on yourself. Sit up straight (pelvis directly under you, tailbone grounding down) and loosen your shoulders by slowly rotating them forward, up, and back. As you draw them forward and up, inhale. As you soften them back, exhale.

Once they are loose, interlace your fingers and bring them to the back of your neck, elbows in, but not touching. Draw slow circles with your nose, rolling your neck only as wide as the boundary created by your hands and arms. This way, you do not hyperextend your neck as you stretch it. Breathe and move as slowly, deeply, and softly as you can.

When any tension in your neck is gone, sit up with your feet flat on the floor and your hands in your lap, palms up. Notice how you feel.

Put the situation in context

Now that your mind has cleared, think back to your stressor. Ask yourself, is it as significant as you thought initially? Will it affect you within a week? a month? a year? Will it affect others in that time? Finally, is there anything you can learn from it?

To give an example, I once worked as a technician in my university’s A.V. department. One day, business was slow, so I walked around the law school, checking technology in the classrooms. This entailed carrying around the set of keys to the cases for the room controllers on the instructors’ desks. I was so tired and distracted that I accidentally left the set of keys locked in one of the rooms.

When my boss told me what I had done on Monday, I was furious. I had endangered thousands of dollars worth of equipment and, as a direct result of my actions, my co-workers lost clearance to those keys. My frustration and guilt was so overwhelming I had to leave the room. The negativity stayed with me all day, but looking back it didn’t seriously affect my job--or the jobs of my coworkers. I wasn’t written up or cussed out over it. The only thing that really changed was my supervisors were more likely to handle technology complaints from the law school, but, considering the law professors tended rather demanding anyway, that was probably a good thing.

Yes, my absentmindedness that day was a mistake and one I still regret, but it did not warrant the fit I had over it. In the end, it taught me to be more mindful and prevented future accidents.

List 3 things you like about yourself

If your depression and anxiety over failure shuts you down every time it occurs, it’s probably connected to low self-esteem. To combat any feelings of shame or self-loathing, try to focus on at least 3 positives about yourself. Make them things you can internalize.

Personally, I am terrible at this exercise. My list always looks something like this

One: My Ryan Ross Halloween costumes always look hot.

Two: I can still draw a decent anime eye.

Three: My hair be on fleek tho.

And it should probably look something like this

One: I am as strong and independent as I let myself be.

Two: I am kind, empathetic, and compassionate.

Three: I am learning to be the best version of myself.

For the sake of this blog post, today I’ll make the “correct one” my list.

If you still feel shitty, write/draw/sing something about it.

This entire post originated from one mess-up at work. It kept me writing all day and I haven’t wanted to stop. We are all creative beings in one way or another, so the next time you mess up and start to edge into toxic thought, write a poem or draw a comic or mime a one-person re-enactment about it. Whatever you do, make it positive. Remember, no matter how bad you may be feeling, there’s always someone who feels the exact same way. No one owns loneliness. No one owns anger. No one owns worry. It lives with all of us. In this way, we are never alone and in this way we must help one another heal. This is why I call you my friends. Though I may never know you, I know you have been furious and you have been in despair and you have been happy, and so have I. Let us be human together.

Peace, friends.