Sassing Priests

Wind whishes

against my window

meets the percussion of my grandmother's shuffle
i flicker awake

always late to the songs i'm trapped in

retreat into dreams 

into ravens and ovens for as long as i can 

i only emerge to write the cells down

but even Oracle of Delphi girls like me got to eat

The bishops hold my bread out of reach

and smash pomegranates against my teeth

i swallow, but all i taste are daffodils

They lock me in the basement

because Hades sleeps in my hips

i got to kick him out every morning

and he aches, brings me to sway

off-beat

off balance

off meds

Zeus sends Hermes to ask me for an arc

or a better ending 

But the happiest I can give him

is a quiet child named Maybe
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Things haven't been easy lately. Or, to be more exact, my self hasn't been. I sleep later, eat less, cry more, and worry about labels like they matter. Need to remember every emotion is a choice even if it doesn't feel like it.

That's one concept that's always mystified me: every emotion started with a thought.
I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels faster than she thinks some days... most days.

Most faiths demand emptying yourself in some way (except Satanism, but I think I'm too late for that one). Catholicism says to mortify the senses. Buddhism says to release ownership of every feeling. Orthodox Judaism calls for the burning of your favorite lamb at least. So I'm trying to surrender the things I can't control and to not want what I don't need. Like marriage.

I've been technically engaged for three years.  Because of religious differences, I'm not sure if my partner and I will ever get married. We continue to say we're engaged because we have every intention of staying together (and because we like labels), but our marriage, if any, might just be common law. Normally, I don't care, but this past Sunday, I woke up to my little sister watching Say Yes to the Dress, which prompted my mother to comment on how silly it was to spend thousands of dollars on a wedding dress when she'd got hers for only $300 off the rack, which reminded me I might never get to do either one. Then I went to church and a couple was celebrating their 50th anniversary by renewing their wedding vows. I clapped and smiled with the rest of the congregation, trying not to think about the possibility that I may never get to exchange vows in church at all, but, in so doing, thinking it.

 As I was walking out of mass, a priest to whom I'd previously made the mistake of mentioning my situation, said to me, "You know, if you ever want to get things rolling, you and your fiancee really need to come speak to me."

I agreed and began to apologize, not knowing how to tell him I'd given up months ago.

Before I could finish, Father patiently assured me it wouldn't take that long and we could meet in the parish office instead of the church, but regardless I needed to get my partner past his phobia, because church seemed very important to me and...

"I don't mind going to church alone," I said.

"Welllllll, things change once you have kids."

And I so was not about to get into The Birth Control Argument with a priest, so I kept my shut on that one. He continued to lecture/evangelize/yammer until I said, "I really think the issue is my fiancee would be more comfortable with an outdoor ceremony."

"You're right," He said. "That is an issue--you can't do it."

"Why?"

"Because then I have to get permission from the bishop, and the bishops loathe outdoor weddings."

"Why?"

"Well, there's logistical issues like bugs and wind, and marriage is a sacrament, so--"

"But I've been to outdoor masses before."

"Masses and weddings are two different things. Weddings need to be recorded, for one thing. For another thing, they are a celebration within a community--a church--that two people have joined together."

"But the community can go outside. This--"I said, gesturing to the building "--is a symbol."

"But symbols mean things! They're important." He sighed. "I don't make the rules. When I became a priest, when I made my vows, I swore obedience and humility to the bishop. I could argue with you. I could say I'm in favor of it--but in the end, it's the bishops decision."

I can't quite explain why I did what I did next.  Maybe it was the way the priests mustache had twitched the entire conversation, begging me to be a good little Catholic girl and let him be right. Maybe all the latent rage over years of internalized guilt and ritualistic obsession and theological bureaucracy boiled over. Maybe I'm just a  rebellious bitch. In any case, I was done with the conversation.

"Okay," I said calmly. "I guess I just won't get married then. Thanks, Father."
I walked away.

He called several things at me, but I just kept walking.

I did eventually write an apologetic email to him, because, other than being nosy, the guy was just doing his job. Haven't received a reply yet, but he probably doesn't have a whole lot of nice things to say to me, so I respect his silence.

In reality, my situation isn't new. There are thousands of Catholic gay couples who will never be validated by the church, albeit for different reasons, but I'd bet the majority of their relationships are every bit as healthy as any married couples. Similarly, I think my relationship with C is just as happy and healthy as my married friends.

I love C more than any dream wedding. We'll always have spiritual differences, but, even if they demand sacrifices sometimes, I love them too because they make us who we are.

Now I must go with C to run errands, but I wish you well, friends. Peace!

Me throughout October

Belinda

Stay mindful

Friends,

Breath with me long and deep. If your week has been anything like mine you need it. 

I let the pressure of the outside world get to me and created a little slice of hell for myself to live in.

On Sunday night, I tripped and injured my knees and hands. On Monday morning, I stepped on an earring and had a mental meltdown because of procrastinators guilt.  Tuesday and Wednesday I tried to push through the residual misery and go to work as usual, but then my immune system collapsed from exhaustion, so long story short, I'm taking the day to breath a bit of vapor rub, talk to people, read books, and drink tea.

If you take anything from this, please don't rush. Don't neglect your needs. Eat breakfast. Do yoga. Pray. Walk. Whatever you need to do, do it. It's much better to be a little late and mindful then to send your mind in a million directions and race high speed to the office. 

Go to bed earlier if you have to so you get more time to yourself in the morning.

I wish I could write longer, but I have a couple appointments to drive to, so I'm just going to leave you with some love and some flowers to enjoy 

All the butterflies have left the butterfly bush :(

Peace, friends

Belinda

Recovery

Friends,

As Cliff Richard belts out “Devil Woman” in the background and my ego slowly regenerates from this morning’s disaster at work, I realize that a lot people, myself included, take failure very terribly. Part of it is human nature. You have a goal, you plan, you work hard, and one small, unaccounted for detail ruins everything. You get frustrated, naturally.

If you’re like me, however, you see the sign for Frustrated and you keep driving. You pass Anger, Remorse, Embarrassment, and get stuck in Shame, playing the scene over and over.  All the insults and poison people have thrown at you  over the years come bubbling up. A small, cruel voice inside your head latches on to the error you just made and screams, This is why you’re stupid! This is why you’re useless! This is why you’re wrong! It’s not long before you find yourself agreeing with the voice.

If this is not you at all, congratulations; you are well on your way to mastering the art of self-acceptance.

If it is you, then don’t worry because it is me too and I have amassed years of advice on the subject through counseling, prayers, yoga, and simply living as a paranoid sack of neurosis. I’ve made the following list of the best advice I’ve received over the years for those who may need it as well.

1. Breathe.

Breath is one of the simplest and most powerful tools for self-control. It affects blood pressure, joint pain, muscle tension, posture, and, yes, emotions. When we’re stressed, the sympathetic nervous system is in control and the adrenaline tightens the diaphragm, making it difficult for air to completely fill the lungs and resulting in short, rapid breaths. This breathing locks the body into fight or flight mode. The de-stressing process belongs to a totally different set of nerves known as the parasympathetic nervous system. In order to engage it, take slow, deep breaths.

When I say “take slow, deep breaths” I do not mean suck air in through your nose or mouth as hard as you can.  I mean put your hand on your belly and, as you inhale, feel it expand. Breathe in softly for a count of five. Pause at the top. Then, with your hand still on your belly, exhale for a count of six  and feel the belly soften back in towards the spine. Do this for as long as it takes to relax.

If you find yourself too flustered or panicked to slow your breath by sheer force of will, then try Nadi Shodhana, or alternate nostril breathing. It’s not physically challenging at all and only takes 3-5 minutes, but it’s a little confusing to explain over text, so here is a demonstration video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xbbr6Udg1UA

2. Move

Posture also greatly affects emotions. It’s directly linked to the kinds of hormones our brains release. Even when you’re miserable, if you smile for a minute or two, your brain will still release endorphins. The same is true if you sit up straight with your shoulders broad and relaxed. Therefore, if you feel stressed, do not curl in on yourself. Sit up straight (pelvis directly under you, tailbone grounding down) and loosen your shoulders by slowly rotating them forward, up, and back. As you draw them forward and up, inhale. As you soften them back, exhale.

Once they are loose, interlace your fingers and bring them to the back of your neck, elbows in, but not touching. Draw slow circles with your nose, rolling your neck only as wide as the boundary created by your hands and arms. This way, you do not hyperextend your neck as you stretch it. Breathe and move as slowly, deeply, and softly as you can.

When any tension in your neck is gone, sit up with your feet flat on the floor and your hands in your lap, palms up. Notice how you feel.

3. Put the situation in context

Now that your mind has cleared, think back to your stressor. Ask yourself, is it as significant as you thought initially? Will it affect you within a week? a month? a year? Will it affect others in that time? Finally, is there anything you can learn from it?

To give an example, I once worked as a technician in my university’s A.V. department. One day, business was slow, so I walked around the law school, checking technology in the classrooms. This entailed carrying around the set of keys to the cases for the room controllers on the instructors’ desks. I was so tired and distracted that I accidentally left the set of keys locked in one of the rooms.

When my boss told me what I had done on Monday, I was furious. I had endangered thousands of dollars worth of equipment and, as a direct result of my actions, my co-workers lost clearance to those keys. My frustration and guilt was so overwhelming I had to leave the room. The negativity stayed with me all day, but looking back it didn’t seriously affect my job--or the jobs of my coworkers. I wasn’t written up or cussed out over it. The only thing that really changed was my supervisors were more likely to handle technology complaints from the law school, but, considering the law professors tended rather demanding anyway, that was probably a good thing.

Yes, my absentmindedness that day was a mistake and one I still regret, but it did not warrant the fit I had over it. In the end, it taught me to be more mindful and prevented future accidents.

4. List 3 things you like about yourself

If your depression and anxiety over failure shuts you down every time it occurs, it’s probably connected to low self-esteem. To combat any feelings of shame or self-loathing, try to focus on at least 3 positives about yourself. Make them things you can internalize.

Personally, I am terrible at this exercise. My list always looks something like this

One: My Ryan Ross Halloween costumes always look hot.

Two: I can still draw a decent anime eye.

Three: My hair be on fleek tho.

And it should probably look something like this

One: I am as strong and independent as I let myself be.

Two: I am kind, empathetic, and compassionate.

Three: I am learning to be the best version of myself.

For the sake of this blog post, today I’ll make the “correct one” my list.

5. If you still feel shitty, write/draw/sing something about it.

This entire post originated from one mess-up at work. It kept me writing all day and I haven’t wanted to stop. We are all creative beings in one way or another, so the next time you mess up and start to edge into toxic thought, write a poem or draw a comic or mime a one-person re-enactment about it. Whatever you do, make it positive. Remember, no matter how bad you may be feeling, there’s always someone who feels the exact same way. No one owns loneliness. No one owns anger. No one owns worry. It lives with all of us. In this way, we are never alone and in this way we must help one another heal. This is why I call you my friends. Though I may never know you, I know you have been furious and you have been in despair and you have been happy, and so have I. Let us be human together.

Peace, friends.

Prana by Neil Svenson (shutterstock_gi_prana http://www.nealesvenson.com.au/tag/prana/)

For further reading:

http://www.npr.org/2010/12/06/131734718/just-breathe-body-has-a-built-in-stress-reliever

https://www.davidwolfe.com/alternate-nostril-breathing-anxiety/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ks-_Mh1QhMc

P.S. We found the debit card in the washing machine after 3 days. It’s very clean and bent, but still works!