Reverse Oracle of Delphi at Breakfast Table

Sitting at breakfast table
Mumbling with all the things unsaid and unseen to students and guides
How can I help but say them to the air
My brother glides by clutching clean forks and knives
And asks
"Hey, can you shut up?"
And it's not a question
But the answer is no

He wants me to be as quiet to the room as my ghosts are to him
The other side of the breakfast table another dimension
But how can I when my ears buzz and ring with hauntings?

Oh to be so still
To be so stuck and stoic in the present
So silent and unreachable to the murmurings of morning after
What a life it must be

Working

Friends,

This past April, I began substitute teaching.

For those in need of a quick way to earn extra cash and who aren't allergic to children, I recommend it. It is a very enlightening way to live the principle of impermanence. Every day presents different challenges and opportunities for learning. One of the most invigorating and enlightening avenues for learning is the conversations one overhears as a sub. While on my first day, I overhead one young lady say to her friends "who wants to get ready for college?! It's so much work!"

I, being the nerd I am, chimed in, "it's not that bad."

She said, "I heard it's a lot of work."

"It is a lot of work. But it's not that bad."

When we are young, we think there's some secret way to an easy life. That if we just wait long enough, someone will recognize the inherent good in us and we'll never have to do anything tedious or strenuous. Things will just fall into place.

They don't.

College is not for everyone, but it shouldn't be avoided simply because it's "a lot of work." Everything is work. More specifically, everything that adds any value to your life is work.

There may be joy in that work sometimes. Even when there isn't, that doesn't mean the work isn't necessary.

If anything, to get what we want, we must work twice as hard. We work to sustain ourselves and also to sustain what sustains our souls. We have our day jobs and we have what keeps us, us: Our passions. Our loves. Our hobbies.

Yes, friends, as I'm sure you've experienced, even love is work.

Rest when you need to.
But do not cease.

~Belinda

Praying

To all the girls like me
Who are still trying to forgive the boys that hurt them
And the mother's that say it's their fault
And themselves for not loving themselves earlier.

I love you.
May you always have killer drums to dance to
Sunsets to love
And funky colors to paint your toenails.

May you wake up each morning smiling so bright the sun will be blinded
May you venture out brave enough to smile at strangers and not stay smiling when they don't smile back.
May you love
And be loved
Until the end of time.

Amen

Autonomy

Friends,

I try very hard on this page to be positive and loving on this page. I try to contribute to as much healing as possible. However, spend enough time on this planet as a breathing, thinking, sentient creature, and you begin to recognize that healing is not all rainbows and shiatsu massages. Sometimes you need to break down. Sometimes you need to fight for yourself. Sometimes you have to do both at the same time.

As a young woman, people (family friends, neighbors old classmates) often ask me what I am going to do with my life. When they ask this, they usually mean "are you going into a lucrative field, and if not, how are you going to feed yourself?"

If I were smart, I would lie and say I'm saving up money to go to law school or something equally lofty and practical and then quickly change the subject, but I always tell the truth: I'm going to write and work a day job.
When asked what kind of day job, I say one of the default alternatives: teacher, copy writer, copy editor, blogger (wink, wink).... but the truth is, I have no idea.
Whoever it is I'm talking to can tell I have no idea and then the endless spouting of unwanted advice begins, during which  I am supposed to cordially nod along and smile and say "Oh,  I never thought of that."

To those people I say: Thank you for your concern. I am an adult. I can figure my life out on my own, and I do not have to do it right this second on the spot to appease your curiosity. I'll be just fine.

So much of my life has been an effort to appease others people's concerns or opinions about me. When I finally got the announcement that I could start work on Monday at my first paying job since college, my first thought wasn't "now I can afford yoga classes!" or "I'm finally joining the adult world!", it was "now all those people telling me what to with my life will shut the fuck up!"

And that's sad.

What's even sadder is as I'm typing this, I can hear their voices in my head. They're calling me spoiled, bratty, entitled... But if taking control of my own life, knowing what I want, and trusting God with things I have yet to figure out is being Millennial Trash, then I guess I'm Millennial Trash.

To my fellow Millennials (or other people who simply don't have all the answers), trust yourself. The world is not the same as it was 10 years ago. We must forge a new way and to do that, we must make space for ourselves to innovate, explore, and invent. We will make mistakes along the way, and that's alright. We'll learn from them.

Namaste.

Reiki Prayer

Friends,

The world is always shifting, darkening, changing. We do not always have the control we think we do. Economies buckle under wage gaps.  Loved ones drift away. Issues of grief or anger we thought we'd long ago recovered from resurface at the most unexpected moments.

The only things we can truly control are our thoughts and actions. Therefore, just for today

Let us not worry

because it is a distraction. Control the things you have control of, let go of that which you cannot, and ask for the wisdom to tell the difference.

Let us not hold on to anger

because we deserve to be happy. When anger bubbles up, express it. Let it move you to make positive changes. Let it move you to make the world a better place. Then, release it.

Let us work on ourselves

because self-love and self-contentment is a life-long process

Let us be kind to all

because in doing so we create a better world for ourselves and everyone else.

Let us show gratitude

because when we focus on the things we have rather than the things we don't, we have so much more.

Live well, friends

Finding Sukha in Struggles

Balance has always been a challenge in any capacity.
Balancing self-love with self-awareness, ambition with patience, spirituality with physicality, and, above all, intent with ease.

Last week, I pulled up a yoga how-to video (the economy has not been kind; public classes are still out of budget) and the theme of the class was sukha, or ease. This is one of fundamentals of yoga, but unless you've been to a public class or had some form of personal instruction, you wouldn't know it. At least, I didn't.

 Yoga is a paradox in that it combines some of the most objectively difficult positions for the body to fit into while demanding a sense of ease. In twists, teachers always say not to crank. Instead, twist from the naval. In downward dog, teachers caution you not to hyper-extend your arms or strain your hamstrings. Instead, press into the the thumb and index finger and bend your knees slightly.
In other words, yoga isn't meant to be something we do. It's meant to be something we inhabit. Always follow your breath. Always keep breathing. Always try to smile.

Personally, this is the hardest part of yoga for me.
 I can twist and push and pull myself into any pretzel position, and ignore the pain as long as I feel I'm doing it right or that it'll be worth it. It's the Catholic in me. Tell me there's a Paradise at the end and I'll grit my teeth through anything.

As a westerner, I never expect transformation to be liberating. Pain is more familiar. Pushing myself sounds more natural, because it's what I've heard all my life.

But yoga does not care about my childhood. Yoga wants to build me from the ground up. Yoga wants to strengthen me from the inside out. She wants me to be me, but stronger and less afraid. Yoga holds out a hand every time I fall down. Yoga says keep going when all I want to do is quit and sit back down on my 21st century uncoordinated ass. She just shakes her head when I swear my way through warrior one and congratulates me when I finally manage to stabilize my legs and find my breath.

She's a lot like life. We're not perfect. The best we can do is pay attention, learn what we need to do better, and practice, practice, practice. We will fail along the way, but we gain nothing by hanging on to frustration. So, this week, as I do my work, talk to my friends, collaborate with my coworkers, and write, I'm going to try to be a little softer, a little more forgiving of myself,  and do my best to stay in my good place.

For those of you who are curious, here is the video that helped inspire this post:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ioO8K653kMA

Sukha Watercolor Painting by EmMoon77 on Etsy

(https://www.etsy.com/listing/191841630/sukha-8x10-watercolor-painting-print)

Peace, friends.

3 AM

Happy New Year.

Or, is it? New, I mean. The older I get, the more of history I read about, the more time seems to move in a cycle. People can't ever sit still, you know. They're always running from old ways, trying not to become their parents or trying to be exactly their parents and failing. The Middle Ages become the Renaissance. The Romantics give way to the Victorians. Everything is a reaction.

I can't say where we are on the cycle, but I'm looking forward to find out.

Peace, friends.